Welcome to my lil WORLD

I have not wrote in a few days, and WOW how life can be crazy. Did my 5th step and feel like a free person with nothing to hide. Last weekend went all well. I enjoyed spending time with everyone. BBQ and meetings and all that good stuff. To get up to date on my week.... well here is what is pretty major in my life right now.

MY BOOBS! yes, that is right. For a while now I have been having problems. Went and had it checked out a few years ago, and they said it was nothing. Now I have two lumps in my chest, and discharge, and it's not looking to great. They have put me on antibiotics, and I am set up to have an ultrasound. If things are seen in that, then I have a mamagram. I am praying nothing is wrong, yet if it is... Thank god, I am getting it taken care of. I am just a bit nervious about that.

House is getting packed out next Tuesday and I have so much to get done before then. I am running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, but at the same time calm. Very calm, not to stressed but I feel it, I am in control of it. The fears, and pain and worries... and the anger. Can't forget the anger, that is what seems to feed into everything. Anger is just caused by hurt, which is either afraid of lossing something that I have, or not getting something I want. That seems like where anger comes from. When I feel that I have to relize it's caused by a fear.... and I am going to face everything and recover. Not fuck everything and run.... Notice F.E.A.R. in both of those? I know there is not going to be much more happen today that I can't handle, as long as I am turning it over.

That's about all that I am going to write for now, since I need to get something another cooked. Invited Jake and Julie over for dinner. THey have been feeding me for a few days, so I am going to return the favor.

EEEPPP been working on it... and it's draining me. I keep jumping into it knowing it's supposed to change something but what? I know me.. But how? How will it work out. I know that I am progecting yet I wonder... what will telling all of this really do? I am scared right now, don't want anyone to know... yet I am doing it. I am willing to do whatever it takes... yet I am pissed about it. I don't want to do it. I am suburn and want to be that way for a bit longer. I don't know change other then sadness and pain. Not used to happyness... I am afraid of it.

What is happiness. I am sure I have been feeling it but every feel days I feel like lashing out at someone something anything. Just make the pain stop. I want to stop being the person I am being. Will this change me my thoughts and actions? Hmmm I don't know. I am going to finsh it up though. Lorranie is on here way here... and should be here shortly. I am nervious. It will be ok, I know it will. Just turn it over.... Write more later.

A - Act your age – 25
B - Breast size – Just right, 38 C
C - Chore you hate – Dishes
D - Dad's name – Greg
E - Essential make up item – blush
F - Favorite singer – To many to list!
G - Gold or silver - Silver
H - Hometown – Fort Worth Texas I guess?
I - Instruments you play – piano at one time... I don't remeber mush that i had learned
J - Job title – being a beeatch!
K - Kids – one day, hopefully before I'm 30
L - Living arrangements – In the middle of moving right now to the states, going to be living with my mother in law till I get on my feet. :-(
M - Mom's name – Carol
N - Number of people you've slept with – Don't ask a lady that! LOL
O - Overnight hospital stays – 5 or 6 I forget.
P - Phobia – none
Q - Quote you like – "keep it simple"
R - Religious affiliation – I know there is a god thats good enough for me right now.
S - Siblings - None, wish I had some
T - Time you wake up – When the dog wakes me up
U - Underwear of choice – Thongs... or unberroos! LOL
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat – hmmm don't know
W - Worst habit – Smoke and cuss like a salior sometimes
X - X-rays you've had – Enough, never broke anything though!
Y - Yummy food you make – Baked goodies, steaks, ribs, southern foods, and mexican food I am good at!
Z - Zodiac Sign – Capricorn... thats me. Thick headed.

Lots of lil kids running around grabing up candy and going home to drive there parents nuts on a suger high. Gotta love it since I don't have any kids to be worrying about! Today was a pretty great day. Had coffee with Ioulia my one neighbor then went to the others neighbors hosue for the birthday party thing. It turned our nice, even though the family only spoke German we could half way understand each other. I know just a bit of German enough to get me by. I know about every 4th word someone says so I can kinda guess what they are talking about. So that can be intresting when I think they are talking about something else!

Anyways that was a good time. Coffee, and cake... then later pasta. They thought about going out to play pool tonight and have not come back other to say anything about it. Thats ok because it probbly wouldn't be good for me to go out anyways. I am running a fever and should have my butt in bed already.

I am greatful because Ron didn't show up today. I still am heated over the fact he says I blew all his money while he was in Iraq. Which is bullshit. He says I sit around on a pitty pot realize that he has the spot it you got it thing going on. He is the one sitting around blaming others and not looking at himself. Bless his poor sick lil mind. Hope he gets it together one day and doesn't have to hit a bottom thats 6 foot under. Who knows, I can't say anything... Tomorrow he might get struck by lighting and POOF might be a good person. Not so vendictive and back stabing.

I am honestly nuts, I really thought he was a good person. I think that said was the lie this whole time. I really thought he was caring and loving but a scared little boy. Damn did he have me fooled. Fool me once shame on you... Fool me twice shame on me.... Hmmmm dang... Guess it's on me about 10 fold now! HAHA

Some learn a little slower then others, or like how I like to look at it... Some see the best in people even when there is no chance of it coming out. That's what I would like to say I have done. I saw the best in someone and showed them I thought they could do anything. Gave love and support and trust when others turned there backs on him. Unconditional love, but I had to give that up for my sanity. Honestly I did. I can't walk around knowing my husband is flirting with every peice of puntang he sees. That and other things that he just couldn't let go of. He said I should be happy be only cheated online, he could be out doing the real thing.

Yet those women got more affection and loving words then I did. Thats where the line got drawed. Sure I wouldn't have cared if he treated me like I ment something. I did mean something to him, I was his punching bag, every time he was having a bad day he had someone to yell at or belittle. Not no more. Mind you I started doing that to him... I feel bad for it. I had lost my mind for a while there, and became him, and he became me walking away saying I can't fight anymore. Guess the fighting came out in me after sinking down for so long and being afraid. I was just not afraid anymore, and the mental pain was so bad I didn't care if it got real psyhical that would have hurt less.

Sick huh? I would have prefured for him to beat my ass, then the things he did emotionaly to me. Thank God I am starting to get my selfesteem back and be able to walk around not so timed anymore. Standing up for myself yesterday just proves I am growing. I wouldn't have done that in the past. I was have stayed home and mopped around crying and not gone and worked the problem out. I would have thought I made things up and was insine. Thats what he had me thinking I was. Thank god, I am sober now and able to see that I AM NOT AS NUTS... as he was saying I was. That and I am a cool person to hang around and people do like me.

Well I am beat, like i said running a bit of a fever... But soooooooo glad that today went ok! Think part of it is that Ron has not came by in two days! YES thats right TWO DAYS, and I feel amazing. Seeing him just drives me nuts! LOL buhbye

Forgot to write yesterday I was drained. I think I have a bit of the flu. Woke up and didn't want to go to a meeting. Then realized time went back an hour. Dang, that ment I had time to get up and get going. Showered and went over to Leslies house to snag a cupcake from the night before. She gave me a ride to the meeting since I was bringing the left over sweets.

Turned out to be a pretty good meeting. I really enjoyed it. Got a ride him from Ronnie after we went out to eat with Alberto? I forget that guys name. It's something like that. Food was ok, but like I said was feeling sick so everything tasted bad. Got home and keep thinking about the night before because I was feeling sick and just misrable. Hacked Ron's email account. Looks to me that all those old girls from Iraq and everyone else is on his list again. Go figure, he always just had them deleted and more then likely told them hey when I show up and I am not invisable hit me up.

He was such a snecky bastard like that. Well he called a while later going did you hack my account? I said Oh no how did that happen? Why do you think I did it, I was being a smart ass. He asked why I did it and if I wanted to see his accounts just ask and he would show me. Well I told him about what happend the night before and he called the neighbors and asked if what was said was true. That he had been hitting on there sister before he even moved out and she turned him down. Well he talked to the guy which didn't know a thing about what his wife said to me.

Ron called back and told me that I was full of shit lier. So I walked to the neighbors house, and said tell me again what you told me last night. She was like well thats what it looked like to me, and i told her No your exact words where last night. Yeah he tried coming onto my sister and she blew him off. I asked if that was before or after I moved out and she said she didn't know. Thats what was said... Her husband was like you need to talk more respectfully to my wife. I told him look I just got told that I was a lying deliounal bitch from Ron and this shit needs to stop. All these rumors whatever... I was crying and she left me into the house and said come sit down it's going to be ok.

Talk with them for a while come to find out that Ron was saying that we where split up well before we really did. THat and I spent all his money and that I cheated on him all the time. He is so fucking full of shit. He never let me have any money. He was so damn controling. She also told me that after I brought up I figured you guys hated me because I never got invited over. She said no I had invited you a few times Ron said Na man I don't want to bring her over she blows my good time. Thats bullshit, I figured it out last night. Ron can't be happy when I am happy, he hates that I can be happy. He honestly has to. If I sit back and think about it.

When I got a job there was no congrats way to go. It was you got that job because of me. When I got an award from Col. Pittard he said it was bullshit I didn't desirve something like that he should have got it. Just so many things pop into my mind that when I was very happy and proud he bashed it. Saying if it was not for him I wouldn't have such things. That and would always say that if the army wanted me to have money they would cut me a check. He was such a dirtbag. I don't know why I even want him back. He is worthless and that is all he will ever be. Some people just can't be helped. He is one of those, and there are just some people that can't be loved or even express it fully. He is one of those. God bless his poor soul.

Glad that if anything all the stuff with ALL the neighbors is solved. I am glad about that. Today I am even going over for a birthday party of the husband that one girl told me the stuff. It was pretty cool, that they invited me over, and realized I was not the whore that my husband was telling everyone that I was. I am still in shock all the crap that he said about me. I should have turned him into his comander. I should have. It/He is not worth it though. Not worth that much effort.

I am happy that I handled all of this so well and had courage that I other wise wouldn't have had. That and normally I would have just said ok Ron and let it be. Unstead I went and solved it, and caught him in shit. Even though that guy did say the wrong thing. He said he would tell Ron that he made a mistake when ever he went to work so we will see how that goes later.

Thats about it for now. Just glad I am sober and getting the hell outta here! I can't wait to leave and start my life all over and I want nothing to ever do with him again. That's for damn sure. He has hurt me more then any other human in this world has.

Well today was pretty ok. Ron came and got Nina, and I was just plain tired today. Was not in the mood for anything. Leslie had her Halloween party though, so I baked cupcakes and went to that. It was pretty cool, nice set up and everything. I went as a candi kid because didn't have time to put together something really intresting.

One set of neighbors I didn't like where there. This one lady had the nerve to tell me about Ron hitting on her sister. Before he even he moved out. That really hurt me. Pissed me off and I was around drinking and normally I would have just started downing drinks and trying not to give a fuck. Unstead I chilled for a bit and realized I needed to leave the place I was pretty annoied. I don't even see how Ron could be friends with that couple they are both problem people. The guy is a fucking loon and has issues, drinking problems to boot.

Was standing outside in his boxers last night asking me for booze. TOld him and his wife to stay out of my life and that I am in AA that I don't drink. And they shouldn't be reporting everything that happend in my house to him. Shit pisses me off. Told Ron today that I could have gone out of town he was like well you should have. I told him you know I would have but I don't want the wrong thing thought about me, and it might look wrong. Since you figured I was dating Ray what would you be saying about someone taking me and your dog out of town for the weekend? Even thought it would have been to go and see my sponsor and hang out with other AAs I know out that way.

Right now I am just pissed off an hurt because how the hell could he. Why did he have to always be hitting on everyone and then accuse me of doing it. When he was doing it before he moved out of the house. He said I was a hypocite because i had male friends and he was not allowed to have female friends.

Well thats because all of his female friends he was trying to fuck or was hitting on. So thats why I never felt good with him around girls. That and he paid more attation to them then me. I think we could have even had an open marriage except he never showed me the affection and love he showed other women. I was supposed to be the one getting all that love and sweet talking, or atleast more then they got.

Anyways. Yet another reason to hate him and try to move on. Although I feel so stupid because I still love him. Damn I am so sick in the mind. I hurt badly, and don't understand why he left me.

I stood by him threw so much stuff. I just don't understand maybe he left me because I did put up with so much of his crap. I honestly would love nothing more then to just slap him and shake him stupid standing in front of him saying LOOK at me, why why are you leaving me whats wrong with what you had. Why could you be happy, for fuck sake... I did everything in the world just to try and make you happy nothing worked. Why would you leave someone that was willing to do anything for you, let alone stand by you threw some of the most hellish crap in the world that you put them threw. Don't you see you broke me you son of a bitch, I used to be strong and stand on my own, and you pushed me down untill all I had left was a bottle of booze to sooth my tired hurt soul??? Don't you see, why did you leave me. I was the only one there for you when your own family turned there backs on you. I stayed by you. I just don't get it.

Oh well ... I guess I will never understand. I just know I loved him, so if I loved him and I really do love him I have to let him go... but it hurts more then anything in the world. Thats all for today. Night

My oh my what a wonderful day! HAHA Yes I am a dork, but thank God I know I am! Cute one at that. Today started out a bit off, got a call at like 5 am from my friend that had relapsed KY. Well she couldn't find her husbands phone number? I was like ummm ok, I don't know it. Then she told me where she was, I said ok... then I asked her what the hell was she doing up so early. That's when she said I gotta go. Go figure... Still has not come back to a meeting and God only knows what she is up to. She can always come back to meetings if she wants it.

Sleep again after that call. Not that well though, Ronnie woke me up around 10 so I got out of bed. Showered and whatnot. Ron called a bit later, and I asked him why he was telling all the neighbors that Ray was my boyfriend. He at 1st that is what they where thinking and saying. Then he said well thats the way you made it look so ya I was saying it. I never ment it to look any way. I asked his promision to evite him into our home. He just wanted out of the barrecks and wanted to stay sober. I was doing what I would want to have someone do for me. I think he was just jelious because I talked and smiled and laughed. Hell he used to get jelious over Kelly coming over because her and I smiled laughed and talked to much. He thought I had to be fucking her too. I was pissed.

Lorane called me bless her heart, right as I needed someone to talk to. She told me to do the next right thing... and not to sure what all she told me, just know it made sence and we started talking about the future and not the bullshit at the moment. It got me out of myself, and I realized I was living in the problem again. So I got all dressed up cute like and asked Ronnie if I rode the bus out to his house if I could wait there till the meeting. Just so that I got out of my house for a few hours.

Right before I left Ron pulled up because there was a peice of mail that had came in for me. Mind you I was looking all cute and what not and he asked where I was going because I took the mail from him and was starting to walk off. He told me that he was sorry he hung up on me earlier it's just he didn't want to fight. I told him I was not trying to I just wanted to know why he would be running around saying such things. He said well why did you ever have that guy come over. He knows damn well why I did and he said well thats what it looked like to me. So I was like whatever Ron, thats not what it was. He had another person in the car so I was not about to bust out someone elses annimiomity (misspelled) let alone mine to a stranger I didn't care about. He offered me a ride, listened to him and his boy talk the whole time. They where talking about jail like it was some cool place and who spent more time where and how bad one another was. They sounded so childish.

Found a girls hair clip in the back seat... I started to get pissed then I realize what the hell is the point. Do I really want that back? This childish man sitting in front of me bragging about the crap he looked like coming out of jail because of when he pulled a gun on my mother and I? Did he say why he was in jail no, guess he made up some other cool sounding story or made it sound like I was a nut and put him there. I didn't say a word. Didn't have to prove anything. Just let him and that other guy talk there shit. I was proud of myself for that. I was really early for the bus ride but I sat there and just thought and watched the clouds roll past.

You know, it's amazing just how fast they seem to pass by sometimes. Kinda like life. Sometimes it just seems like you are sitting there and not moving forward at all. Then you have this rush and slow down again... I feel that way in recovery, I learn and grow all the time. Some days I get something that helps me grow even more then the day before... Just like the wind always there, but sometimes you can feel it just a bit stronger if you stop and let it happen. Sometimes we just get to busy in our lifes we forget to stop and feel what we are going threw or what is happening around us. Like for me atleast, I don't stop and think a lot... I just do.

I am learning to stop and think, is it worth it, or is it going to make my life better? That is working for me it worked today. Sat on the bus with a nice guy, thought I was 18-19 told him that he made my day... He was pretty sweet married with a 3 year old son. Talked for about 40 mins about all sorts of stuff. Told me I would be better off. Yes I went into some detail with somethings. Then again he was asking. Told him about how I was planing to join the military, he asked what I wanted to do and I said I want to blow shit up. He died laughing, said I didn't look like the type. Come to find out I was talking to a pretty high rankin person. <<<{) whatever rank that is. I forget. Need to learn if I am going to join just know its a type of Sgt. Told him ideas I had about becoming one someday and how I would treat my soldigers... he thought some of my ideas where good. I told him if someone keep showing up late, I would make them write and essey and read it out to the whole unit. How they where messing up. He thought it was great and said he would use that. It was a great ride.

Our meetings are smaller now. 4 people tonight but worth every min. Went out to eat after with Terry and Ronnie. That was good, Terry gave me a ride home. All of us where talking about going to Chez tomorrow just to eat or something. I have never been there so that will be neat. Kinda odd how I am going to all these amazing places right before I leave. Atleat I can say yes I did see a bit of europe right before I left. LOL

Kinda strange, but you know i would have been happy with Ron. See I had found all the things that I was missing and wanting in our relationship with my friends in AA. I don't want any of them sexualy or anything like that. I just enjoy being around them and they like to do the things I am intrested in and they are open minded to new things. Ron is open minded to sex and partying and thats it. I was getting happy and it honestly was ripping him up inside I think. That and he thought I had to be cheating, because I think he would have been if he was finding happyness outside our marriage... Like he is doing right now.

I was talking to someone about this yesterday. I have never kissed someone for the 1st time sober, or even had SEX the 1st time sober with anyone! Maybe after that person and I had been together a while ya we had sex sober. Never the 1st time though! I was always to scared. So I know I will be waiting that 1 year! HAHA I might wind up thinking it was magic or something and falling into a trap or misthought out feelings. Since I am not even sure if I know what love is.

Anyways I am beat and I am going to bed, thank god for keeping my butt sober yet another wonderful day!

Ya know life can really amaze me some day! Like today for lets take a look at that. I was supposed to get up and do a bunch of things this morning. I had woke up at about 5 am with nightmares and just horriable thoughts and things running threw my mind. My husband using and messing around with some girl and me walking in... Flashes of other dreams was me using drugs and thinking that no one would find out, and I felt myself falling down a hole faster then a ten ton acne block landing on the Road Runner.

All the relapses and deaths of people I have meet threw this program have gotten to me a bit. I didn't want to stay awake with all these thoughts running threw my head. So I got my ass outta bed, and got on the computer for a bit. That didn't work so I went and laid down a bit and prayed asking to take these thoughts out of my mind. I felt at ease and passed out on the couch. Woke up to my husband showing up...

All those thoughts had flashed back in my mind. The 1st thing I said was I want to see your cell phone I don't want you calling or having anything to do with Kelly. He said he didn't have her number and didn't call her or anything... that and I had no right to tell him who he can and can't call. He is right we are not together so who am I to say anything. I was just pissed and hurting. Before I was in denial about him and I spliting up, then deep depression... now the anger has really set in.

So I am moving along with the steps of normal greif SOBER. I am not numbing out all the reality that I am feeling. Which is amazing if you ever knew the old me in the past. I would have picked up something by now or bashed someones head in... LOL Thank God I am not that person anymore or atleast for today.

Our fight turned out pretty bad, he left, I got dressed and stormed out the door... Not sure on where I was going or what I was about to do. Good friend called me and I still am not sure what all he said. I just know the main thing that keep running threw my mind was him telling me. Stop living in the problem and move into a solution. He was right. I stopped walking and turned around and went him.

I desided to get some things done that I should have done the day before. I don't have a phone right now, so I had to find the courage to ask the neighbor to use hers. Mind you back when I was drinking our friendship ended because she thought I slept with her husband. Things were very bad back then. I didn't, but the thought of how bad I must have hurt her killed me. I prayed before going to her house. I asked for help to be able to ask for help from someone that shouldn't care enough to give it to me.

She let me use her phone, and after I asked if I could talk to her for a moment. I told her that I was sorry for all the drama I had cause and that sorry was not good enough for the shit I brought into her life with my drinking. She told me sorry was good enough, I told her it was not... that I will show her I am sorry by staying sober a day at a time. It was amazing. We sat and talked about all the things that had happend then over 4 hours!

Also some resent stuff that my husband was saying about problems he was causing more around here. He told all the neighbors that Ray a person in our group was my boyfriend because I saw him everyday. Hmmm I wonder why I saw him everyday. Would it be because I gave him rides to meetings, and that he was in AA with me? Needless to say, just found out lots of things. Like total strangers, that I don't know where at her house resently and said hey thats the crazy girl that cut herself huh? That and thought I put out easy, funny how all the wonderful crap that Ron liked to spread about me runs around. It made me realize though just how sick he was. Funny part about all of it was this....

Yes I am crazy, I was very crazy and not a good person when I drank... YET! Today I can walk around with my head held high knowing what I did wrong and there is nothing I can do about the past. I just can inprove myself one day at a time. Odd how that one day at a time things happens so well. I would have never have thought I could have stayed sober this long. Half the reason I never could is well because I couldn't do it alone... that and I would always say NEVER AGAIN, I won't drink another drop in my life. That's one hell of a long promise, one I could never make to myself. Today, I can stay sober just for today...

Left Ioulias house later then I planed because things where working out so well. I was running later to opening the meeting then normal. On the way there, an MP stopped me. Said "Ma, ummm this is an odd question, but do you happen to know where the AA meeting is at" I smiled at him, full of good honest pride and smiled and said "Yes sir I do, I am chairing the meeting and I am on my way to open it up"! Who would have thought I would be proud to admit to a COP that I was an alcoholic, let alone I didn't have to fear oh my goodness what did I do or why is he stopping me. He drove me to the meeting because i wanted to make sure that he knew where it was. There was a guy sitting at the MP station trying to find the place. That was amazing.

since there was so many new people, we had almost a two hour meeting! Yes thats right TWO HOURS! It was good though, I needed it. That and I had a wonderful feeling just seeing new people come in even if they never show up again, the seed was planted. One day it might mean something to them or they can tell someone else where to go. Another reason it felt great to see new people was the loss of a few of my dear friends, moving or going out relapsing... Seeing those new faces reminded me that there are others out there that might need the hand when others stop reaching out for it. That you have to help those that want to be helped. My dear sponsor told me tonight, that the teacher will appear when the student is ready to learn. I have to remind myself of that with all people I see....

Today I think I got about 8 phone calls from different people all over Germany. From people I like to call my true family, and friends. I wouldn't have them or the things that are going on in my life if I was still drinking. Or trying to be selfrightious all the time and resentful to the world. For them today that is the reason I am greatful. They amaze me everyday, and they have loved me till I have started to realize I am WORTH loving and I am worth getting sober and building a life. That and doing something I have never done before, setting goals that where just dreams before... knowing that I can do it if I work for it and keep God in my life. Place AA/God 1st and everything second will come 1st class... thats a fuckin fact!

Oh that and just a side note... to myself... Slow the hell down on the coffee girl! HAHA It's 1 in the morning and I am wired like firework show... bouncing all over the place. Not to sure if its just the coffee or the fantastic feeling of greatfulness for the things that I got to live in today... Even the bullshit with my husband. I learned from it... That and half my moodie crap came from PMSing! Ya know that came about today and it was like Oh yeah!!! Thats why I am so damn moody and bitchy! Durrr I forgot I am a women and it was around that time! LOL Ok so I am getting sober, but my brain is not all there yet... Even if it doesn't all come back. Im am happy I am alive and got what I do have. Thats more then some people I know, or used to know. I am off to bed... Night... and TY HP For keeping me SOBER yet another day.

Got back from a meeting, realized that I have been being selfrightious with my anger. God, I just need help with the accpetance in the fact that my marriage is over for now. That some day I will find someone again, or this one might work out. I just need to worry about me now. It still hurts though, I feel like I have been adandoned. I am leaving here with nothing really to turn to, no place to live really. I will be at his moms house for a bit.

I have to find my way out and fast. I am afraid but I know I have done it before and when life gets hard, thats when someone inside me carrys me along.Right now I am greatful for the wonderful friends that I have that are here for me.... No matter what time day or night... That and Ron's dog... She is amazing and makes me smile with her lovin kisses. Plus my cat, she is just so sassy sometimes that it makes you smile. Some days I wish I was one of them life would be so simple.

I think thats all I am going to write for now... That was a rough day and never again will I fall to my knees begging for someone to come back to me. I honestly just don't understand and I guess I need to stop fighting to try and understand something I don't think he even does. I just know that I have done all that I can to be the best wife I could have been at the time. I just have to shoot for my dreams now. Going to school and buying a house and someday being married and having a family... Going out trips and doing things I always wished I could have done as a child with my childern.... and stay sober.

Night.

Damn I hate people that use drugs let alone tweek. My husband and best friend fucked around the last night I got drunk. He finnaly told me that she was chasing him threw the house trying to kiss and fuck him. Then she took off because he wouldn't he went after her. The neighbors swear they went off and fucked. I know something must have happend because I wouldn't have normally lost it like I did. I blacked out and didn't recall most of it, I just know that night I tried killing myself because of what happend. I have been sober since that night. June 19, 2005, I am in AA and I am turning my life around. I treated the girl that did it like a sick person like I should. Because she is an alcoholic too, she just when out and relapsed resently. For 3 weeks she lied to everyone in our group and we went and saved her from herself. She was out whoring herself out getting drugged up. You could smell the sex and drugs on her.

It made me so sick. I had known they both lied to me that night. The guilt I had felt thought because I was told something differnt by my husband. He told me I just keep flipping out that night. I have never been a mean drunk, just a lover... My biggest problem drinking was my black outs. I have had them since I was raped in 1998. Since that rape I tried drowning myself in booze to hide from the pain.

Well come to find out, they where really all over each other. I have so much fucking hate in me right now, that is not good for my sanity but I just want to hurt them both! I went to rehab because of the guilt that I felt for hurting others with my drinking. I also killed myself that night. To think that I trusted either of them.

When I was in treatment they talked on the phone more then he talked with me. He also offered to come up to where she was to get drunk with her one last time. He also has been using drugs again and the last time that he did, he also killed me. Because of his crap from being in Iraq. Why would someone ever want to use again after that, I quit because I realize how bad I hurt myself. I didn't quit for others but I realized what I was doing to myself and the pain I could see in others eyes because I was distroying myself.

My husband and I are getting a divorce, and part of me still loves him so much even though all this shit has happened. I know that he is sick and so is she. I don't know how to deal with this anger and pain I am feeling.

Guess that is why I am writing it all out. Maybe that will help, it is helping a bit. How could I still love someone after all he has done to me? I am sick, I know that I am. God please help me. I don't know what to do anymore. I am so lost and hurt. I don't trust anyone, and I am just learning to trust God.

Since my husband has moved out he has been drugging it up drinking and saying that he moved on. That and been fucking around with other girls already. I am in so much pain it's unreal. I have stuck by him threw everything bad you can ever think of. I even got him out of jail after he fliped out and pulled a gun on my mother and I. I stood by him and held him after he almost killed me in Dec when he fliped out on drugs and his PTSD problems. I HELD HIM! All the way to the hospital and he told me that he didn't know how I could be so strong. I am not that strong, God is and I am just using his strenth to make it threw all this pain. I don't know anymore.

He is here at the house right now and I really just want to scream at him and fucking let him have it. Tell him what a worthless asshole he is .... But I am sure that he already knows, that and he is to fucking selfish to know anyways. I am going to end this for right now because i need more coffee and I need to pace.... I am losing it again. God help me before I do something stupid!

Well Friday night a friend of mine my best friend that I love dearly went out and relapsed. We droped her off at home after the meetings and she started crying saying that she was scared because she felt like using. I told her I would let her come and stay at my house or I would stay with her for a bit.

She denied both my offers, says that later that night a girl that keeps coming and going in our group called her up and needed 12th steping. Mind you my friend only had about 3 and a half months. She went to try and help her without calling another person to go with her. Later she admited that she knew she was on her way back out.

She winded up in the hospital the next day with alcohol posioning and DTs she is only 28. It can happen to anyone at any age. I am just 25. Part of me wondered why didn't she call and reach out for help. I realize it was a lesson for all of us, her to remind her and maybe she has hit that bottom she needed now. To me it reminded me not to take my recovery for granted.

Relapse is just around the corner for everyone, Thank god I have 12 steps and a phone call away from the next drink. I have heard others say they are just an arm reach away. I think i have a bit more then that away. My friend was just 7 days behind me in being on my AA Bday also... there is a group of us that are all in the same month a few days apart. I am the so called leader of the pack and have 8-11 days on the other two left.

I worry with all that I have going on, divorce, finding out about all my husbands affairs and lies.... moving to another country again, soon to be homeless.... How come I have made it this far? Someone pointed out to me that it's my HP *God* teaching me to trust in him. I have honestly never trusted in any person fully. I have been molested as a child, adused, raped at 18, bipolor mothers thats been married 5 times, real father is dead from his drinking. My mother was a IV user till I was 5.... I had a hard life and have been homeless before, been a stripper to get off the streets. Never had to have sex thank god for money, or drugs... but I am sure I was going down that path. Needless to say I have thought of the world as being so cruel and heartless and the people in it.

I think God is trying to show me that he will never leave me and to trust in him, that I am his child and he will always love me. For that I am greatful since I never honestly had a father figure around in my life. Mygrandfather was but we lived so far away that I never got to be around much.

Part of myself that I hate and people tell me that they admire about me is how strong I am. I don't know how I have made it threw all I have had happen and seen. I just know I couldn't have done it without someone watching over me.

Another thing people point out and I feel is a fault is my ablity to see the good in people. Like my husband I see that he has an amazing loving side to him, a big heart, and is so afraid of the world and is a scared child inside. I see all of that even after him pulling a gun on me before, hiting me, putting me down, cheating on me... and lying and leading me on for so long. I still see the best in him. It sickens me that I see the good in others. When there is so much other things that scream out hey don't go there turn back... I keep walking forward in faith that it will get better and things can change.

I realize that now I have to be strong for me, and have faith in myself and build my selfesteem up again. It's not going to be easy being as codependent as I am with him. Atleast this split will make me have to do it on my own. Which I am not afraid of at all, I have made it out of rough spots before worse then this. Yet my heart ackes and yearns out for his arms to just hold me. The other day I realized I already have someones arms wraped around me.... God really showed himself to me... I thought I was lossing my mind because I thought I was hearing things.... it was a voice in my head that said Don't worry I am here to take care of you now, you don't have to be strong anymore I will be strong for you... Clear those tears away, I will hold you and protect you. I told someone in AA Eric that was on the phone with me what I was feeling. He told me sounded just like the footstep poem. I had to sit and think about it and I started laughing and said you know your right! I was sitting there thinking that I had multipersonalitys because of this feeling of my body going calm and felt like it was being taken over.

I had my spiritual experance... one of many... this one just really STOOD up and said listen I am specking to you... before it was just signings of good things happening now it was clear... and i never want to let this feeling go.

Says in the BB that we have no mental defence against that 1st drink, that no other human could help us that we must rely on a power greater then ourselfs. Last par in chapter3. I know I didn't word it right.... but that has stuck with me since I relapsed 4 months ago today!

It is a gift to have been sober for this long so far... I am not going to take it for granted... If you are not working on recovery you are working on a relapse.... keep meetings, fellowship, big book, higher power, and sponsor/someone with time you call offten in your life... and it works if you work it. Thats all I got for today.

Please let my husband hit his bottom god before he hurts himself or others.... I know right now he has no regrats for the way he has treated others, but show him that he is worth loving and that he doesn't have to distroy things because he is afraid of being happy and it being destroied and taken away from him... Show him your unconditional love and take him into your arms.

Good night....

I have not wrote in a while which is not good. So many things have happend in my life lately. I don't even know where to start really. Getting a sepration, and very confused by that. I am greatful that I will be able to go after my dreams now though, even though being married and being a part of Ron's life is part of my dreams. I will be able to go after the other half. Me... I have not done things for myself in a long time.

Since finding this program and going to meetings everyday for the last 117 days my life has gotten better. More so then I could have dreamed. I am not an emotional wreck like I would have been if this stuff happend months ago. I mean yes I do have some of my down days, that is going to happen with greving the loss of something you love.

Those days are not lasting long though. I can't wait to move, just to be able to get started. I am scared also, but I know that nothing is going to happen that you and I can't handle. It's all going to be new and new things get me jumpy. I already have a sponcer back in the states and I will be starting me steps over again, honestly and fully this time. Since I have just been on 3-4 here the whole time. I have just had to much going on to really do it, or to do it for myself really.

I am very tired, went exploring caves the other day it was AMAZING! Crawling threw the dirt and small spots and just seeing things that I never thought could be done. I did them! It was so neat, my body is very sore but in a good way. I can't wait to find all the neat things to do in Washington once I get there. Hope to get a great job and try and get a house after about 6 months or something? I don't know I need to clear up my credit 1st and formost. Should stay sober a year before doing that though. It's something to shoot for... and add to my list of things I am going to go after.

Well I am headed off to bed.

I know I have not wrote in a long time.... Ron and I are getting a seperation now. I really hate him. He just wants to party it up and doesn't care about anything but himself. Never even tried working on this marriage. I have to keep trying to stop chasing him down. God I need help in that. It's over it really is... I honestly never want to see him again. It hurts to much. He doesn't want this to work out... He wants to live it up and party and get wasted and fuck everything. He doesn't know what he wants..

I have been busy the last few days. Things went well with Ron and I. THey are getting better because I am learning to keep quite. Just the other night we slept in bed together and that was great, till Ron woke me up in a choke hold! His dreams are getting worse again, he seriously needs to get some more counseling. Spoke to his mother last night and she says that it needs to be his idea. I am just starting to be his friend again I am not trying to put ideas in his mind just yet. thanks for keeping me sane!

I was told to write down some things that I like about myself... To have a little gratitude with myself.

So here it goes.... I'm sober and didn't drink today, I am smart, I'm intresting, I have good friends, I'm important in some peoples lives, people call me for help, I am pretty, I can cook good, I am great at baking, I'm creative, I'm good at decorating my home, I have a wonderful smile, I mean well, I'm a fast learner... Well thats amazing I can think of that much... I have a really low selfesteem.

Ron drank today, and that upset me. I don't understand why he did. Just last week he was saying that he needed some candy because he was craving a drink and didn't want to drink. Then this weekend he drank. I am fearful what it's going to lead to... I know myself after I have just one drink and I am able to stop I keep doing it till one is not enough again.

He can get thrown out of the Army for drinking yet he went and did it. I know I have no control over him and what he does. He is his own human being... and will do what he wants to do. I have to do what I need and want to do for me.

So I rearanged the house... It looks really nice, it made me proud and happy... I was very pleased with it and it will be so much easier to clean now. It honestly looks amazing. Ron came in from working on the car and didn't like it. Never said one nice word about it... then again he never says anything nice when I do things. I waited about 2 hours then asked him if he liked it after he was complaing about it for a while. He said yeah I like the layout but it will just take some time getting used to it. So time will tell.

I did it for me, not for him, so why is it his actions affect how I was feeling about myself. It brought me down when he started looking around the room funny. It was something I was proud of and it felt like I was being judged and it just wasn't good enough for him. I never he wouldn't like any change. So I shouldn't expect him to like it. Yet I lost my happy feeling about something I acomplished. Why is that?

Right now I just feel really depressed... I really just don't know what to do with myself. I'm not drinking so thats the most important thing. I am going to take it a day at a time learning to keep my mouth shut. Every time I feel like yelling or crying I am going to drop to my knees and pray... and pray... I really hope that I learn my lesson once I start getting bruses from doing that... then maybe I will learn to not get so upset over things. God please help me with that... I am greatful for the things that I have. To name a few things....

I am greatful for the roof over my head, being about to change and know myself, the sandwich I ate today, my cat that loves me, good friends, family that loves me and is proud of me, being sober, shoes to wear and clothes to put on my back, a phone to call for help and friends that will be there any time of day. Those are just simple things that I am greatful for... Thanks for providing those things for me god... I know I could be so much worse off like the people in New Orleans right now.

Look after all those people god... they need you. I'm off to bed now....




10:05:41 AM PDT

Dear God, Teach me how to keep my mouth shut and not tell other people what they are unless they ask... Ron and I are fighting like crazy, and he tried making up for being an ass last night but I was still hurt by it and blew up his appoligie. I need your help seriously... I called Ronnie B today and he told me the key is to learn to keep my mouth shut because then I would have to say I am sorry to that person whoever it might be. God please help me.

Dear God,

Thanks for keeping me sober today and yesterday! I was tired and didn't write yesterday. It was a long day. Kellys Aunt passed in Lousiana, and spent most of the day with her. Her Aunt was like her mother. Proud of her for not drinking over it, she will be flying there tomorrow. I hope and pray that you keep your eyes on her and watch over her. She will need you threw this tuff time.

Things went ok around the house today. I woke up late again, the heat in the morning is getting to me I think? I am not sure what it is really. Didn't fight with Ron all day, even sent him a dirty letter to try and get our relationship or sex life back together again. I think the letter really surprized him.

He was on CQ today so he was not around for the most part. He was here after my meeting which went great. We all had some good laughs and I learned new terms for messing with your own mind and making things worse then what they are. They where calling it mental masterbation! LOL I thought it was funny.

Worked some more on my 4th step. I am wanting to make sure that I do the job all the way! Even lil things that made me upset when I was young... Like my cat passing away. Any and every resentment I have ever had....

Ron was home on lunch or whatever when I left the meeting. Things seem to be getting a little bit better with us. Did some naughty things together today for the 1st time in a while. I have not asked him for sex in a long time... Still kinda didn't ask for it tonight, but I put the idea in his mind. :-)

It felt great to kinda know I was the one that something I did made him happy. It made me feel good that I still got it! I have felt pretty down on myself because of his afairs and didn't think I was sexy or good enough. I realized that it had nothing to do with me... It was all his own doing those things happend. I just have control over how I am going to handle those things. I know I can handle anything with you by my side.

I need to get a bit more washing done before I go to bed. Thanks for blessing my day like you have!

"God grant me..." Action for the day Write down 10 good things I know about myself. Then put my hand over my heart and read these 10 things to myself, out loud : 1 caring 2 good cook 3 understanding 4 god loving 5 sober 6 pretty 7 hard worker 8 smart 9 good sence of humor 10 Good at making a house a home

Dear God,

Today was a pretty good day. Woke up late since I didn't sleep well. Ron woke me up upset about the car having scaches on top of it... I told him I didn't do it and walked away after looking at it. Thanks for giving me the ablility to walk away. Went back in and went to bed again.

Woke up late and missed my meeting. I was disapointed in myself, and others looked at me as I am on my way to a relapse. Lord, look after me... if others are thinking that. I don't think I am on my way back out the door. I know I have you in my life, and the desire to drink is gone for now. I just have to keep that in mind every day... What it was like then, so I don't go back... and how joyious you have been making my life... since you helped me stop.

I worked on my 4th step today, and also listened to some amazing speaker meetings online. Wrote a letter off to Sue D that did one of the shares and it really touched me. It was an amazing story. Been looking at my own actions today, with your help and trying to do things differntly since I don't like the way "I" have made them since it was not your will... but mine that I did.

Made an amend to Amy Lyn today, she said not to worry... I made the amend for myself and not for her. I had to get those feelings of guilt out of the way for how I used to act. Thank you God for showing me that I don't have to be that way anymore. Plus for giving me the friends to help me recover, and that put you back into my life. Thank you!!!

I am fully ready fory ou to come into my life, and take away the mess I have made of it, and do with me as you will. I know there is nothing that you and I can't handle together tommorw. I need to get some sleep, so I will write more later.
Thank you again, for keeping me sober today, and keeping my high spirts regaurdless of how others are feeling.

God, I just don't know... He is mad because things where getting good and I went and messed them up. It's not all my fault God... I am tired of having to fight and BEG for everything. I don't even want it anymore. He says that he gives in and trys again... I give in all the time just trying to kiss his butt and make him happy. It never works, God what do you want me to do... I am so feed up with him right now. I just don't know what to do anymore... God take these feelings away from me...

Dear God, Today was very intersting. 1st off thanks for keeping me sober, I pray that my mind can stay sane another day. I feel like I am living in a glass house, and I feel like I am messing things up worse then just some rocks. God, I just don't understand my mind, and my emotions and why they are as crazy as they are. I really want to be a better person and do as you would want me to do. I just seem to keep slipping up and not getting thing's right.



Ron's still upset, and I am trying my best to keep being happy and not let his being down effect me. I have been doing that a lot when he is home. It seems like he is never in a good mood, and it bring me down. I need you with me to keep me going and being greatful for all that is around me.

Thanks for helping me stay busy all day to not get to down. I showered, laundry, and cleaned the room kinda... I keep myself doing the next right thing in out of the way of drama.

Went and picked up Ray and Kelly, had some ice cream and went to the birthday meeting. It went well I was shocked to find out so much about Jon... It was kind of amazing to know so much about him. I never thought he did the things he did like all the drugs and whatnot other then drinking. You do work in wonderful ways God... Everyone seemed to like my cake I baked ok. It was a little burnt on the bottom. Yet it was still tasty.

Back home from the meeting, and well trying to figure out the next right thing. Not sure what that is... So please so me the right way. Good night for now... I am going to iron and then I am off to bed... Thanks again for keeping me sober, and please look after all my family. Also take Ron into your arms, and show him love... he needs it.